Dominant + Submissive Relationships / Domination + Submission Life


This is a new site we built to discuss the fast growing underground dominant submissive movement that is taking private bedrooms all over the world like wildfire.

My name is Master Nak and I find myself unexpectedly immersed in this world due to my love for a submissive sub slut Slave Tay. In searching for information on how to be a Slave owner and a dom Master I have found that the information available is all over the map. Much of this dates back to the days of Leather in the late 70s and early 80s, and that time of the 20th century is a pretty big turn off for me, as I am not gay, nor do I have a leather fixation.

The Dom Sub world in which I find myself is more elegant, the rules deeper and more subtle, the power exchange more intertwined which the real world. The pain that my Slave requires still I find a bit shocking, and my ability to control my strength so that I inflict pain without leaving bruises and marks is something I am still learning, been a new Dom and still learning.

However, there is something exquisite about being with a sexual partner that is totally submissive, and her deep needs for her Master to take control still take my breath away.

This site is fully interactive, and we are looking for people to comment, contact and participate.

Kisses and Lashings,

Master Nak


  • This site is for informational purposes only.
  • There are no services, products or advertising for sale on this site.
  • Dom-Sub.Net is operated only to help educate,¬†enlighten and publish simple rules of conduct and in no way endorses any illegal or unethical behavior.
  1. I found your comment very interesting. I have a friend who is encouraging me to be dom to her sub. There is a solid love between us, but we will never be married to each other. I am older by 20 years and very much want to please this woman. The dom/sub culture is not something that i have ever been involved with. There is no question that i want to please her by taking a dom role with her…any suggestions on where to start to learn? She isn’t into much pain…and she really wants this to work. She loves the way i can get her off with my fingers…but wants to feel “taken”. Any comments would be appreciated. Bill

  2. First off you must thank the Universe for this gift you have found with this woman.

    Okay now for the formal greeting, Bill~

    Most people fall into this and then it takes on a life of its own. There is so much advice out there, it can get pretty confusing where you find your comfort level. There are books, websites and events where they try and convince their way is best for you. My Dom who was just as clueless as you in the beginning started by following my lead (hah quite funny me taking the lead as a sub). I have a strong sexual desire to be dominated and we, subs, are all created differently . My Dom started visiting websites (such as this), buying books. He would take mental notes on how I would react to his attempts to control me with a very loving hand. We are still together after five months and he has found another great book to guide us through our next stage of our Dom/Sub relationship.

    It is great that you know she does not like the pain part, but you need to find out how she wants to be controlled by you. That is the biggest turn on for us, subs. How she reacts to your control over her ( I am assuming that is what she is craving in a Dom) will determine the next step. A blind fold, hand cuffs, a special collar, or ordering her to do something very sexy to herself during the day, such as taking a picture of her pussy and sending it to you. Think outside of the box and you shall find your path.

    Keep me posted. I am always here to give you more hints and luscious advise on how to keep you sub very happy!

    Slave Tay

  3. I know many people who have disagreed with a slave life for younger people. Do you think it is immoral for a child of 12 to start behaving in a Dom and Sub life and/or relationship?


  4. Yes, absolutely.

    12 year old children are unable to give consent. That is why we have laws protecting them.

  5. I’m glad to find another d/s website. Oddly enough I learned about the lifestyle from a Harry Potter realised that that was what I’ve been looking for forever. A couple years ago after reading up on it, I started slowly introducing different things into my relationship (I’m the sub)-it’s a strictly sexual thing for me. We haven’t started with things that involve pain-although it’s something I eventually want to try, but so far so good. Any advice in finding local functions? It seems like the places I’ve looked don’t really list anything like that, and I’d like to see if any clubs appeal to us.

  6. Hi – what area generally are you looking in? The name of BSDM social gatherings, a good way to meet people are called ‘Munches’ or ‘Meet for a Munch’ Let me know, and I can see what looks oK to me in your area,
    Thanks for posting !


  7. My wife/slave and I have this very same issue, in 7 months I have read thousands of pages of info on D/s, M/s, O/p. and now I am kind of confused as to where to start applying all I have learned. Our goal is TPE but with two little ones that can not truly happen for a few years, she knows she is a slave but also can’t get there just yet again because of the kids. Anyway I was just going to ask for some advice or maybe ideas on protocols, rituals, and such. Feel free to contact me through this site using the name SirGhost via the contact form. Also looking for a sub/slave friend for my wife to email back and forth with. Nothing but someone with like heart and like mind. Thank you for your time.


    (edited by the admin for privacy)

  8. Hi SirGhost, and welcome to the site.

    I would say you could start small. :) No need for the full event, all the time. While I do love getting on the full kit with my Sub, I have also found smaller events can be just as bonding and validating as tying her up with ropes and other assorted restraints.

    For instance, I have found a pair of soft wrist restraints with her hands behind her back, followed by a light spanking can do wonders to normal love making, as the intent and follow through is the core of what she is looking for as a sub. It is often the anticipation of something she does not expect that she responds to, so in that regard, just having her hands tied behind her back with the addition of a simple blindfold can get her excited and aroused.

    Remember, as the Dom in the situation, you are the one who has been granted control, and the unexpected can do wonders, for as you Sub, a big part of the equation is for you to take the control she has granted you to delight and surprise her.

    Master Nak

  9. I hardly leave remarks, however i did a few searching and wound up here Maste Nak and my Submissive Slave Tay | Dom Sub. And I actually do have a couple of questions for you if it’s allright. Could it be simply me or does it look like a few of the comments look like coming from brain dead individuals? :-P And, if you are writing on additional online social sites, I’d like to keep up with everything fresh you have to post. Could you list of every one of all your shared pages like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

  10. Thanks for the personal note. These are strange times, to be sure, and the difference between ‘brain dead’ and just lacking the ability to ‘think critically’ is a fine one indeed.

    I have done some writing on other sites about my experiences in the Dom-Sub world, but have come under fire due to the nature of extremes and the way they are handled. You have several different camps out there, each with highly codified behaviors and rituals, that have a tendency to be quite narrow minded in order to justify their particular lifestyle choices. Engaging in conversations with these groups can get to be a real drag unless you are the type of personality who is compelled to find and follow a guru, which I most decidedly reject. Juts be using the word Master and Slave can raised the ire of the thin skinned, and I find the resulting conversations tedious to the point of banging my head against the wall.

    There is a whole new cast of characters out there who only participate in ‘the lifestyle’ through chat and online chat interfaces, and while I certainly am not in any position to judge, these characters (avatars, icons, etc) end up being very brittle, unrealistic and harsh, as they have no real world experience, and scenes are played out entirely in their own minds. Anyone who is ‘living the life’, or even having a real world sexual relationship that drifts into dom-sub can see these people coming from a mile off. SL (Second Life) has bred an entire culture made up of these imaginary ‘players’, and while I know that SL has many who engage in BDSM both on + off line, it has created a new virtual class who feel quite strongly about the legitimacy of virtual sexual relationships.

    That is one of the reasons I created this site, actually, to have a chance to talk about the issues and to listen to the feedback of people who have found themselves thrust into ‘the lifestyle’ due to meeting someone who has started them down the path in the real world, with all the wonderful, joyful and sometimes annoying real life factors that inevitably intrude into the fantasy life that can happen when things go right.

    ~ Nak

  11. Excellent website!!

    In response to Bill Lyons…and anyone who is interested in making someone feel “taken” without too much (if any) pain is through sensory deprivation. I trust we all have our favorite cuffs, and a blindfold on standby…Invest in some decent ear-buds and download some white noise to loop after about 5 minutes the brain will kick into overdrive and try to alert the other senses. taste and smell is heightened, and of course the nerves are buzzing under their skin. I personally enjoyed having to taste different things, or having textured fabric run on my skin. I am sure you can go from there. But this builds up trust and enforces reliance in a sub. I hope it helps. Enjoy!

  12. I just added this web site to my favorites. I enjoy studying your posts.

  13. Hello Master Nak and Slave Tay. I love your website. I’ve recently been introduced to this lifestyle by my fiance. I have to admit it’s a lot to take in. I love my Mr. very much and want to see his desires fulfilled. Most of the places I look for information are overwhelming and it’s nice to finally find some info wrapped in compassion.

  14. my fiance and i have talked about me being his sub, he has never been in this type of relationship and neither have i, but i have this absolute strong want, need and desire to be a sub and be controled sexually by my dom. how do i go about getting him more involved in this. we have discussed things such and buying various things, like whips, chains, restraints, and other things, but this dont seem to be going well. we have tried tieing my hands behind by back and getting a ounishment from the belt, but it just leads to more punishments because silly me likes to escape :) but i think there may be some type of fear in him thinking he may hurt me, as he was abused badly as a child. any help and advise would be great !

  15. Hey Aly, I would go for it and buy some nice BDSM accessories, get them home and try them out. If you are an ‘escape artist’ you need to be restrained properly and safely. There are some very nice products out there that are both discrete, useful and not expensive. The issues with just using the belt is that, while useful in a pinch, it can lead to levels of pain that may or may not be appropriate for people starting out in ‘The Life’.

    The deeper, and ultimately more important and pressing issue, that will need to be resolved over time is your partners abusive childhood. I am not qualified to address this, and it should be something that is best left to a professional. That would be a longer term commitment on his part, and not something you can decide for him. He is going to have to find his path to resolving that, and no one can decide this. It is a choice he must make for himself, when, if ever, he is ready. There is a darker side to this process that you should be aware of, and that this process has the potential to backfire when his past starts to reveal itself.

    I am not suggesting that is is a task that should be undertaken in order for you and he to explore this world of Dom Sub (BDSM). You should understand that you are going to have to be the driver of this initiative in order for you to get what you want. This means that as the Sub you will have to research ‘This Life’ (as you are doing here in this site) and be the one educating your new Dom. What this entails is spending some time with your lover and gently tell him about your deep needs and desires, and that he is you lover, and that you understand his hesitancy, and you empathize with the issues that are coming up through sessions and play. Invite him to share his concerns, be loving, gentle and caring. Tell him that he is your man, and that as your partner, you want him to be your Dom. Through these types of loving and intimate conversations perhaps you can find a bridge or common ground that will help open him up to the prospect of having a deeper, more loving relationship, as well as fulfilling your sexual needs in a way that is emotionally satisfying to both of you.

    In a perfect world, having your lover transformed into the Dominant of your wildest dreams might be ideal, but on the flip site of the coin, it might be too much, too fast for you.

    It is an open secret that the male ego is a fragile thing, especially when he has given his heart over. Being berated for not being Dom or Macho enough can be a dick withering experience for the male ego, and activate old wounds that have the potential to destroy sexual confidence and well as relationships. Be careful how fast and far you push your lover into this world, it sounds like you are ready and raring to go, but due to the issues you outline relative to his past upbringing he might be terrified of the part of himself he has hidden away for so many years. His fears might be imagined, or very real. Tread carefully and take heart that if he has been willing to participate up to this point he is willing to try.

    Taking to tact of being gently, kind and understanding at that start is a safe plan. Off the top of my head, the concept of seduction comes to mind, candles, soft music, a nice bottle of chilled champagne with a surprise seduction might be in order where you display your submissive skills could be an excellent icebreaker. Good luck, and let me know how things unfold. ~ MasterNak

  16. i have always loved being taken control of in bed. it is a major turn on for me but my boyfriend doesnt seem to want to try this kind of lifestyle…what are some ways/ things i should try to ease him into it. i want to be the submissive but he’s not so inclined…

  17. Hey Lexy, I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns with this one and actually have a conversation with your boyfriend about this. If he ain’t down with ‘cutting the mustard’ and taking you the way you desire to be taken, it is time to have a heart to heart and figure out which end is up ~ lol ~ so to speak.

    Men can be complex critters, especially when it come to sex. Much can be hidden , and not revealed until they hit the sexual wall with their sexual partners. Sounds like that wall is coming up fast for you, so the time is now. NOW! I understand that engaging in conversations like this can be difficult, but if this is the way you feel, then the time has arrived.

    Life is short, babe, if you man ain’t delivering, time to have a talk about what is important to you, and if he can’t rise to the occasion, time to get a new man.

    Herein lies the irony of establishing a dom-sub relationship. It sounds like you are dominant in bed, but want to explore your submissive side. This does not mean getting out the restraints, handcuffs, whips and chains from the get go. But it does mean that as an ice breaker you are going to have to at least reverse your current sexual roles. It sounds like you desire to be ‘taken’, in the fullest sense of the word, my a strong. loving dominant man who is going to take control of the situation and fuck you within an inch of your life, leave you gasping for breath, then fuck you some more, harder, deeper, faster longer.

    This might not be what he bargained for, or is even capable of. At this point you need to weigh your options and make some hard choices, and take some risks in order to find out what is going on in the heart and mind of your mate.

    It could open up a door to a wonderful new chapter in your relationship, his ego might feel threatened, you might find yourself arguing about sex, hard to tell. But at least you can make your needs known and open up the channel to start the conversation.

    My first sub opened up this door by letting her needs known to me, and since then I have not looked back. If she hadn’t, I would not have know I had it in me, as this need to be dominant had lain dormant my whole life.

    ~ MN

  18. I have a new girlfriend that wants me to be her dom. I like the idea, but don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.

  19. i have met a new man who wants to teach me to be his sub partner…i am very strong in the outside world…what is the best way to release my power and let him teach me? i so want to learn and please him…thank you for having such an open and amazing website…i will be studying it for as long as it takes.

  20. my parents ruled my life and I had a bf who was very dom I have liked being controlled but my bf moved I would like being controlled again. I find it hard to be sub when the guy is not even a dom but like goes on and I am still new to this and I would like to know more

  21. Hi my husband and I are just starting out,we are reading lots of stuff over the Internet but my husband is finding it hard to find the role he needs to play,is there any advice u can give please as he loves the thought of all of this it’s just putting it in to practise
    Please help thank u in advance xxlouxx

  22. Hi Nighttime Kiss,

    I guess the question I have is: What type of role does he or you envision?

    Who is going to be Sub and who is going to be Dom?

    It does not have to be one or the either, btw. There is a role called ‘switch’, a person who switches back and form between Dom and Sub. Usually a ‘switch’ has some sort of preference, and what I have found is people who are comfortable in the switch role tend to lean more to the Dom side.

    You and your husband might try this, alternating between Dom and Sub for a while. It can be fun and revealing, and through the process learn about each other and your individual sexual needs. I guarantee The results will surprise you!

    Let me take a moment here and share a delicious irony that I have observed when couples go into exploratory mode, trying out the 3 overall different roles (Dom, Sub, Switch)

    1) To take the plunge and embark on this exploration, it opens up a window of communication between partners that often times have never existing in the relationship.
    2) Through this process and resulting new communication (often this can be through words (verbal) or actions (sexual, physical non verbal) takes a previously, bland, vanilla sex life and sparks a new, sudden fire and passion, look out!
    3) Sometimes this process can reveal painful, hidden past sexual abuse, so please use sensitivity and be prepared for the unexpected. Make sure you agree on a ‘Timeout’ or ‘Safe’ word before a ‘session’, as these type of indicators might be subtle and not obvious. Shame is often a byproduct of childhood sexual abuse or extreme early family dysfunction.
    4) I have known more that a few Sub females which have found that their partners preferred to be the Sub, leaving them to be the Dom. Things can get tricky at that point, but switching between partners and sessions certainly keeps things interesting.

    Keep me posted on your progress!

    ~ Master Nak

  23. Thank you Master Nak for ur reply I am defernatly the sub I want to please and hand over all controll to him :) we have been reading a lot like I said before but he doesn’t seam to understand a lot of it don’t get me wrong he loves to spank me,but I want it harder and he’s scared of hurting does he get over this we’ve discussed safe words and I have told him ill tell him if its to much,I want to be degraded as well and he has no idea how to do this,I have so many fantises that he won’t even entertain have u any advice for me there please x

  24. I’m a new sub and feel as if I struggle controlling my natural response to run when being punished. it’s not that I don’t want to submit its that I feel as if I’m not in control of myself yet. I told my Dom this but he as well is new to this. do you have any advice as to how we can train myself better.

  25. Ok, here is my question. My wife and I want to start exploring a dom/sub relationship. Most of what I see on here is all dricted towards the bedroom. I don’t have alot of questions in that area, as I think that will come easy for us. But she wants me to be a dom in every day life too. We have six kids mind you, so things have to be a little discrete. We have started with ideas such as me choosing what she wears each day, and how her hair and makeup is done. Looking for more ideas to bring the dom/sub into everyday life and decisions. Any help would be great. This is my first time in a dom role, and I want to please her. I also want her to please me!

  26. I was wondering if you knew and clubs or places that exist in the Indianapolis, Indiana area.
    I very interstes in taking this new life style up. So please help me out. I am look to be a sub.

  27. Go to FetLife, create a free account so you can use the site, and then, from within the site, you can search for what they call ‘munches’, which are gatherings of people in the Dom Sub in local and regional areas. It will also give you a chance to meet other doms and subs online. It is as trusted a source as any on the online world, I recommend. I have no affiliation with Fetlife, by the way, but it is a community that I am a member of:

    Thanks for posting!

  28. I am a new sub and desperately want to give control over to my husband of 18 years. I’ve known since childhood that I desired this, but because of my “type A” personality, have never allowed it. After doing some research and talking with my husband, we decided give it a go. Yes, epic fail. Him not wanting to take control, me “topping from the bottom”, etc., etc. We tried spanking, he just couldn’t do it. I knew this was what I needed. Spanking, hair pulling, nipple clamps, bondage and to give up and lay down all that I am at his feet. Unfortunately, he doesn’t feel the same. At one point, during sex, I begged him to spank me with a belt. I told him he wouldn’t harm me, that I would safe word out if need be. He did hit, hard… I didn’t want to safe word out. It felt too good. He looked at my bottom, and just stopped, lost his erection, and now he won’t touch me. He said he just didn’t understand it.

    How do I , who knows beyond doubt they are submissive, reconcile this? Or, help my husband who I truly love? I feel ashamed and humiliated.

    Thank you

  29. Hi Veronica,

    Transitioning an existing long term relationship, (marriage, LTR, etc), where each person has had a defined role (spoken or assumed over time) is tricky business. And I am not even talking about the sexual component, which adds a much deeper, more unpredictable element.

    Step back for a second and take a deep breath. There are many layers to this situation as you have outlined in your post. Let’s take a moment here and I will help you with some perspective. While I do this, as as you read what I write in reply, I would like you to find a way to acknowledge the fact that it is:

    A.) Very complex
    B.) Complicated
    C.) Without blame

    As you breath deeply, acknowledge the intense ‘negative self talk’ going on in your mind (or whispering) that is activating your ‘shame’ and ‘humiliation’ and clearly understand that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that this reaction is coming from somewhere deep in your past.

    You took the plunge (YAY!), made your needs and desires clear to your partner (double YAY!), actually were able to get him to try the role of DOM of for size (triple YAY!)

    In my mind, as a DOM, you are 3 for 3! Go Team!!!!

    This is extremely tough stuff to accomplish. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I officially aware your 3 (three) GOLD STARS!!! Your reward, if you where here in my little session room would be some elegant restraints, followed by a sweet (and hard) spanking!

    It might very well be that your partner (husband in this case) is not ready for the speed of this transition, or does not have the capacity to be your DOM, and/or associates spanking, beating, lashing, bondage, restraining with things that are altogether unacceptable (abusive, dangerous, negative, etc), or all of the above, in different measures.

    Rather than take this situation on all your own, and feel ashamed and humiliated, I suggest that you look at it as an opportunity to be able to do further research on several different levels.

    First: Invite your partner (husband) to have a drink together, make it a date, in your home or at a very quiet, romantic restaurant or lounge (club). Talk to him about his experience, ask him how he felt about it, what his internal reaction was, what kind of things it brought up for him. You are trying to discern from his answers how the experience impacted him. Share with him the feelings you had at the time, the pleasure you felt, how it freed you, even for a moment from the control (issues) you have on a daily basis, the feelings of release that you have needed for so long, that have remained hidden from yourself and the world.

    I know I am putting words in your mouth here, but I also can identify with many of the elements of the situation that you have described in your post to me, as when I started out as a DOM, the reactions he had were very much like my own. If you have read any of the things I have written on this site about my own path to becoming the DOM I am today, you will understand this.

    My first SUB took me aside after our first couple of sessions and talked to me like I am advising you, and it made all the differnce in the world. I was very confused, and while my erection did not falter, my mind was screaming at me: “WTF! this is all wrong! How can this be a turn on for this woman, none of it makes sense!’

    Over time, and through her telling me the things I am suggesting you share with him, it began to make sense. I did my own research, after the initial shock, I went out to various chat rooms and sites across the web, as well as meet with others in the RL world, and asked pointed questions, got many different answers, and started to form my own opinions. All this helped me become more aware of the potent internal dynamic of my SUB at the time.

    Now your partner won’t touch you. Hmm, that is unfortunate, but perhaps it is only a temporary thing. He might need to do his own research. like I did. He most certainly needs to hear your insight, as well as being given an opportunity to share with you his own intimate, internal reaction. Give him the chance, make the neutral space available, without judgement or repercussion. You might be pleasantly surprised. Whatever you end up doing, do not berate him, make fun of him, or judge him. He might not be hard-wired for this life. It is not necessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You do not have to make this a game changer. It is possible to have a DOM in your life where sex in the end is always a focus. In fact, many DOM/SUB relationships do not have sex (fucking) as part of the equation. It is not a requirement.

    The one thing that is MOST important that you take away from my kind and long winded response is this: Do not feel ashamed! You did the right thing, you made your needs known. It is an excellent beginning. When you first met this man, it was on very different terms, and your needs at the time were very different. Now, 18 years later, your needs have changed. If that means re-defining and/or re-negotiating your current relationship, so be it. You have shown you have the courage to do this. Own it! Keep taking risks! Hopefully, your partner with discover through this process his ‘inner DOM’. If not, find someone out there who can satisfy your needs.

    I am not going to tell you that this is going to be an easy process, or a comfortable one. But you have started down this road, and are finding yourself as you go. Stick with it, the rewards are beyond your wildest dreams! Life is simply too short!

    Let me know how it goes, you are on the right track!

    Master Nak

  30. Master Nak,

    Thank you for your most insightful response. I very much enjoyed the cheerleading and gold stars (yea!). I understand your points and have spent some time reflecting on them. I sat down with my husband in a neutral environment where we could talk and asked for his thought about what I was asking from him? I explained what my need was, where I thought it came from and how happy it would make me if he could complete that aspect of my life. I used all the right words, didn’t accuse, kept to “I” statements, but in the end, he told me he just can’t be that man. He has no desire for it. He went so far as to say I might need therapy (I’d laugh, buts not funny).

    Everyday that I have this unfulfilled, my need for pain and submission grows. Just don’t know what to do about it. The self doubt is easing. I try to remind myself there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve started writing in a journal when the feelings become overwhelming. It seems to help.

    May look at a local group for mentoring, etc. or just to talk to others.

    Thank you again Master Nak, your thoughtful response is appreciated.


  31. Hi.
    I’m 19, female and I’m looking into becoming a sub, I literally don’t know where to start though. I’m currently not looking for a long term Dom relationship, I don’t want my life to constantly be controlled, at least just not yet and I’m wondering if that makes me unfit for being a Sub.

    Is it typical of a sub to want only perhaps a day of being dominated, pet and master play is my ideal really, but to be free for the rest of the time?
    I’m not saying that I’d never want more but I’m very new to it and I’ve always had a strong independent personality, I just crave being completely in someone’s control once in a while.

    Thank you for reading.

  32. I just happened to find your site and am happy to have a place to explore and be myself. I am in a Dom/sub relationship, and although we can’t live together for several reasons (work/parent caretaking) I am his sub full time, obeying his rules, and telling him when and if I have disobeyed anything. It is nice to have someplace where others know how I feel and what a Dom/sub relationship is all about.

  33. I just stumbled on your site. I have been doing alot of surfing. I have always wanted to be taken and overpowered in the bedroom. Recently my husband and I have tried some bondage and have bought some toys. The thing is where does one go from here. Sometimes it just feels like play acting..something is so missing. Where do we go from here?

  34. Hi Barbara,

    Interesting question, and I have some insight into this that will help!

    I am currently traveling, your comment popped up on my mobile radar, and I will address this question over the next 24hours.


  35. Hey I have a question.. well a few actually. A friend of mine is married and a manager at a store.he tends to sleep around and being a manager, he is naturally dom. I have been a slave and a sub for years, and I think what he is missing is this lifestyle. I explained it to him and he loves the idea but I want to teach him how to be a good Dom..not just be a boss lol and that seems to be the hardest thing to find online. Being a sub it is almost impossible for me to teach him and be his sub.. but we tend to end up doing things that way, ever since I’ve mentioned the lifestyle. Are there places where you can take a class or have an instructor or something along those lines to show him? Munch is nice for meeting people but I feel it’s not hands on enough.. and parties I feel would be overwhelming for him. Suggestions? I’m in the nh seacoast area. Thanks!

  36. Master Nak,

    I am in the same situation as Paul but there are no respones to his post. Do you have any advice for him? It would help me out too.

    Thank you,

  37. I am a young female sub. I have only ever been in one sub Dom relationship in my life; to say the least it went horribly wrong.
    I have been in my relationship with the father or my child for three years and only recently have my submissive desires been reawakened. I have the control on the relationship but I want to use my submissiveness to detach from my everyday. I make the money as well as go to school full time among other things. My SO is not a Dom nor has he ever experienced it, but I am trying to bring to light my wants and needs to be submissive to him sexually rather than 24/7. How can I approach this correctly and get what I am looking for?

  38. Hello. My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 5. Lately we have started swinging and playing with other singles. She is bi I am straight. We set our boundaries before we started and the biggest one is that whatever we do we do together. We both have thouroughly enjoyed it. She has always had an interest in bondage and weve dabbled a little. The problem is that she wants to be a submissive/ slave, but she doesnt think she could sub to me. She replied to an ad on craigslist about a dom looking for a sub/ slave and that he was paying for the subs time. Money is very tight right now with me being the only one working. However much he is offering, im not comfortable with us doing anything seperate. This was to be a journey together. She still seems very much interested in subbing to this man even though she knows that to me anything apart would feel like cheating. I have even expressed my interest in trying to fulfill any fantasies she has or wants to try. She has also been clutching her phone very close the last few days and seems distant. He knows she is married and that I might be ok with it if I was present but he refuses. This makes me even more upset with the situation. Infidelity has never been an issue with us, but she seems very adimate about wanting to meet with him. This is even after I have sold an item that is precious to me to make sure we are ok fianacially until she gets back to work. She just wants to drop it, I know to avoid an argument, but I feel that she is stil talking and being tempted by him. What should I do?

  39. Im new, i am not physically familiar with sub/dom relationships but i have read soo much that i cant take not knowing…i feel this is that bit im missing…that little bit my body craves..but i am in a relationship, and it does nothing for me sexually and by that i mean he is spent after 3-5 minuts… i get off by reading and fucking myself…i crave rules, to live by…to get back in shape…to make someone feel good

  40. Oh B, you are certainly in a rough spot. This is one of the age old dangers in any relatively open relationship, after tasting the ‘forbidden fruit’, one member strays outside the preset boundaries and the trust is replaced by the green eyed demon of jealousy. The worst part of this is not the violation, but the melancholy bittersweet one feels when the green eyed demon appears.

    Like the old saying, “if you love something let it go…” ~ lol ~ I have always finished that line with “…hunt it down and kill it”. Personally, I do not handle jealousy well, and have learned from situations exactly as you describe, which is why I do not let them happen anymore.

    The nectar of swinging is so sweet at the start, and yet so bitter when things go south. These days I am absolutely clear about my relationship boundaries, which is why I have evolved over time into being the Dom. Control in my life is not hard and brittle, but my boundaries are clear and well defined. In the human condition, it is a challenge ‘to wear life as a loose garment’ and understand that there is a higher power, and that I am not it.

    So she has tasted the forbidden fruit, and you do not know what to do. You have 3 choices at this point, all of them somewhat painful and filled with fear. Hold on and try and keep control, let go, and see what she does, or tell her to take a hike. Circling her, obsessing while bleating like a wounded animal is only going to make things weirder and mess up what you have/had once in terms of respect and trust. She has broken your agreement, but you really can’t blame her at this point. You have to find a way to accept this new reality and be strong. Not strong like being a dick, but strong as in understanding the role you yourself have played and be willing to accept the consequences.

    You can’t get the genie back into the bottle. Before you get angry and cop a resentment please think about this situation and understand that it could have gone the other way. I think you are going to have to let this one go and see how it pans out. Sucks brother, but I have been there before. Be very careful here, as obsession in love is a powerful and extremely volatile force. Please remember, ‘no means no’.

    ~ Nak

  41. I am a submissive looking to be trained by a dom have any ways to help me out

  42. Hi. Recently one of my online friends has asked me if I am up for a Dom/Sub online relationship (only sexually) with him. This is the starting of any kind of sexual relation between us. He has mentioned that He has been a Dom for some time now, and I am no issues being a Sub. My worries are focused towards the tasks that he says he may set me up for as and when he wishes. We are continents apart and even though I know I have the option of not doing the tasks, I would rather he didn’t give me any (apart from the obvious ones involved in sexual activity between the two of us). I do not want to involve any third person or public place even in a passive sense. What boundaries should I set? Is there anything else that you think in the present scenario I should be careful of?

  43. Hi New Sub!

    This situation brings up some very important issues, and some of my biggest complaints when it comes to ‘virtual Dom Sub’ relationships.

    The Web is a wonderful thing, and there are many ways to have certain kinds of sexual experiences via chat, SMS, video, Second Life etc. With our smart phone technology this list is endless and growing. I am a geek, not at all a luddite, I work online and practically live here.

    All that being said, I feel that there are some fundamental aspects of having a dominant/submissive relationship that do not translate to a virtual experience, that require being together in the same room. The biggest one is in the role of the Dominant or ‘Master’, if you will. I have said this before on this site and I firmly believe that the role of Dominant must come from a place of trust as well as experience. Without this, the Dominant can make all sorts of ridiculous demands to the Sub that are simply not based in any sort of healthy context.

    There are different camps and philosophies in The BSDM World, all of them equally valid to those that live the life. My personal attitude in this regard fall into a more contemporary camp. I believe that having ‘sessions’ should take place as ‘events’ that occur in a separate ‘place and time’ that is outside the regular day to day timeline. If the dominant/submissive relationship becomes a ‘master/slave’ relationship that bleeds into all aspects of life together, there needs to be some serious discussion and major boundaries set well before this becomes a reality. There are people who practice this 24/7 style of dominant/submissive, master/slave relationship and it is a very, very tricky thing to pull off. One must be very careful and super actualized (meaning lots of therapy and self knowledge) to not have relationships like that careen headlong into massive and dangerous co-dependency.

    You must set very clear boundaries. Do not allow yourself to manipulated into weirdness or dangerous situations. If your new Dom is not allowing healthy discussions about boundaries, safe words, and situations that you feel to be uncomfortable, drop him like a hot stone. As the Submissive, you have to be super clear about what you will or will not do. No means no.

    Is there anything else that you think in the present scenario I should be careful of?

    Yes, be very careful of unreasonable demands made by people online who you do not know personally. There is a ton of bad information out there about Domination and Submission, or the BSDM world, and there are many ‘newly minted Doms’ who are clueless, manipulative and some who are outright Sadists. Please be careful.

  44. Will keep all the advice in mind. Thanks.

  45. Hello! I have been in very regular relationships before, and while sex has always been good, I’ve always wanted more in terms of being controlled. I like spanking, choking, etc. but guys I’m with usually seem hesitant to inflict any pain on me. While I want to be safe and not undergo an real harm, I do want to try a little bit more with sex, and see what else is out there that I might like. I don’t know of anybody who might be a dom for me though, and I would be scared to try these things with just anybody, since my safety is a concern. Is there any way you recommend for new subs to find doms that are trustworthy?

  46. I’m a mature bi submissive bottom male. I’m searching for a regular master or mistress to try me as a sub, but not having any success. Just wondering where are the best free sites where I can advertise, with some hope of finding someone? I don’t like to join pay sites, because the ‘free’ membership doesn’t allow you to read messages, or contact anyone, and if you pay, you generally find that there are no genuine members – ie it’s usually a scam.

  47. is a site I can recommend, it is free, the upgrade to paid is very affordable. The free version allows for almost everything except personal videos posted by other members. The site has the correct ‘ethos’. If you are looking to meet people out in the real world, something I regularly suggest here on this site, Fet Life publishes schedules of brick and mortar events. In the BSDM world, meeting in neutral (public) place during the day are called ‘munches’. They are usually scheduled Sunday Mornings at places where brunch are served. Good luck, David! :D

  48. Hi,
    I just stumbled onto your site while looking up ways to explain this lifestyle to my husband. I’ve been married for 3 years. Been with him for 5. We have 2 kids (4 & 1). My husband is vanilla. I’ve been in a dom/sub relationship before but it was strictly bedroom. I love my husband and thought he would actually like this lofestyle since he is so dominate in our marriage and day to day lives. He controls pretty much everything. I allow it. I actually see it as how it’s supposed to be. When I started talking about this lifestyle with my hubby he started to retreat. He’s so longer as dominate and has started looking at me for answers.
    To him this lifestyle is weird and unnatural. I beg to differ. I need advice on how to explain and hopefully warm up my husband to this lifestyle. I think if he would just leave his speculations of this lifestyle at the door he would honestly love this lifestyle. I don’t want just a bedroom dom and sub relationship I want a 24/7 365 dom and sub relationship but have no idea how to even start to get my vanilla husband to even think about it.
    Help please.

  49. Hi BW,

    It is 3am here, my sleep patterns have been frakked due to some new tech I have had to grapple with.

    I can very much identify with your current situation and my heart goes out to you. Trying to convince a ‘vanilla lover’ that the world of BSDM is actually a place of freedom and trust is hard, if not impossible. Unless you have experienced that loving connection of ‘absolute power exchange’ in all it’s meaning and glory, there is no way to get a handle on what the BSDM world is about.

    Life is about choices. Sucks, but so true. You made a decision a while back that this guy (your husband) was what you needed to get to your next phase of life. It seems from the outside, on that basis of the information you have revealed in your post, that you chose wisely. YAY! Go Team! Having grown up in a supremely dysfunctional family, I have personally know chaos. It has invaded the very fabric of my being over the years, so now, I struggle with the concept that in fact, chaos is not the norm. That love does not have to be a path filled with danger and betrayal. I am opening up here in trying to discern a path for you, based on limited information.

    Sexual dissatisfaction is something that many of us have experienced. I am talking generally here, so sorry. If you think about it, so much of our sex lives is based on media and marketing bullshit. Finding myself in the BSDM world, I had to stop and take a moment, thinking: How did I get here? What is important to me? Have I overcome my fears? Is this who I really am?

    Time is fleeting, we live such short lives on this planet, and as time goes by it picks up speed. You have made some choices here, and it seems like many of them relating to your current relationship are based on concepts that you inherited as a child. Who said that the goal in life is to procreate our species?

    It is funny, BW, that I should have this conversation with you like this, detached, on a comment stream of a blog I built to impress my long lost ex lover ~ lol ~ life is indeed weird.

    My advice for you: be honest with your mate. Express to him how important this is to you. Take the leap of faith. At least you will have been true to yourself and your honest desires. You will feel better about the situation if you have taken an honest stab. There is nothing more painful that hidden sexual desires when you have an intimate relationship. Your children will thank you in the long run, unresolved tensions have a major effect on young children.

    You mentioned that your husband had been a ‘Dom’ in life, that he is able to take control and guide things in a very muscular fashion. That is very cool. The transition into bringing this into the bedroom is a difficult one. It was for me, in my first dom-sub relationship. It took me a long time to understand that my sub needed these things, that the pain I was inflicting was pleasure for her. I was terrified at the time that she would turn around and call the cops, that the bruises I inflicted on her was something she desired above all things. The fact that she did NOT call the cops was the starting point of my own personal trust with her. Funny, how the ‘personal power exchange’ works both ways.

    These days, my lover (who is amazing) does both vanilla and dom-sub with me. Funny, what has happened with me is that I have two entirely different sexual personas, that even my hardons (I am a Male) are different. When I am in the Dom role, my sexual persona is radically different. I have embraced this person, even though he is relatively new to me. (4 years) If I can go through this type of transformation, any one can. I will say that for sure, it has brought a positive change to me sexual relations.

    Maybe this site could help your husband get a better handle on your desires. Who knows?


    ~ Nak

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