Dominant + Submissive Relationships / Domination + Submission Life

Dominance + Submission Letters to the Editor 1 Cinders

I want to start off by saying I never would have considered anything like this but I bought an erotic book that had a bit of D/s in it and I was surprisingly turned on by it.

I don’t really know much about how it works or anything but would be interested in finding out more. I’m single and have been for about 2 1/2 years.

One question I have is the relationship that a sub and dom have, are they usually a committed couple or just two people in the community?

I would prefer to experience with someone I’m in a committed relationship with.

Also, how does the sub learn to trust the dom so much by having their control totally taken away.

I apologize about all the questions but I’m curious and don’t really know where to start I guess.

~ Cinders

  1. I perceive myself as dominant. I like to be in charge. I’m not comfortable in any submissive role. I’m 50 married to woman who can’t seem to let go and enjoy herself. We get into arguments and the sex becomes blasse’ and boring.
    How do I go about finding a submissive woman who wants to be dominated. I feel like I need to act on this instinct and make it happen. I’m not sure where to start. Can you offer any advise?
    I’m skeptical of some dating sites and would prefer going somewhere where people know what they want and are ready to get it.

  2. Hey Enzo,

    I am approving your comment here top open up the possibility of meeting someone via this site.

    This is not a dating site, but if you find your dream sub here in conversation and sparks fly, who knows!

    ~ Master Nak

  3. I have been reading and trying to research here and there about the Dom/Sub relationsip. I have become VERY interested in trying and learning hands on about this lifestyle. Im not sure which role would fit me best but I think it wuld be awesome to have insight from an actual person versus reading about it you know. At te same time I am nervous about approaching someone about it and discussing it.

  4. I have been fascinated with the Dom/Sub world for years but never really had a full experience. I’ve done a few amateur stuff but still would like to learn more. So far I have been both but not sure which I like more at this point. I would love to have a more on hand experience with someone that k.ows what there are doing and mentor me more into the lifestyle. I learn quicker with hands on knowledge more than anything else.

  5. I just met a sub woman, I think, and we hit it off pretty quickly. She told me to google information on being a dominant male and said that she likes to be pinned down and receive pain during sex. But she said she does like to take control when she gives a blow job.

    So I just want to understand exactly how to approach this and how to act. She seems like a great person and I’m really attracted to her.

    But this is very new to me and I have no idea how to act besides hold her wrists down during sex. And I have a feeling she wants much more than that.

  6. I would start by purchasing some simple restraints, or you can just use things that are readily available. The nice this on the sub’s side about actually going out of your way to find restraints is that it demonstrates you are taking this seriously, as well as the factor of ‘anticipation’, which plays an important role.

    Don sub encounters are generally called ‘sessions’, as as the dom here, the more time and thought you spend on creating that session, the more you display you understanding of her needs. You don’t have to go very big here at the start to make an impression.

    As to the ‘she likes pain’, this opens a whole new realm that has many subtle flavors (or ‘shades of gay’). Pain can be ritualized, and sometimes it can be a simple as a soft spanking, or as hard as a backhand against the face. You will have to discover her threshold and how she is defining this though trial and error. A small paddle can be useful, as it helps with creating a session (the laying out of the restraints, the paddle, the silk rope, the belt, etc on the bed before the session), increasing her pleasure through ‘anticipation’. I have a friend who has several outfits her wears (leather vest, a particular pair of jeans, a special cologne (for when his sub is blidfolded), an another who has a ridiculous 3 musketeers type outfit which he wears when he bursts out of a closet, much like the ‘kato’ character from the original Pink Panther movie – lol)

    The point here is that there are some almost theatrical elements that can come into play, in which as the dom you can not only have fun with, but can increase your sub’s pleasure.

    A note here: whatever you decide to do, before you go forward in any of this, you and your sub must have a ‘safe word’ and a discussion about the ground rules .

    A second note: Your attitude while being in the dom role is critical. You must stay focused, and maintain a serious attitude, regardless of what is going through you mind at the time. Breaking character in the midst of a ‘session’ with your sub will pretty much ruin everything you have done up to that point. Since you are new to this, there is the chance you will find yourself in the middle of the first few sessions and a little voice will start commenting on how silly this all seems. Resist the urge to laugh or giggle of break character as at the start of your journey in this, you may have to ‘fake it to make’ it. Over time, you will begin to appreciate the power of this, and the amazing opportunities having a willing sub can be to transform your concept of a sexual encounter. Follow through in character as dom is the key to unlocking this world.

    As to restraints, a nice soft collar is a great thing, as it has the chance of helping you ‘seal the deal’ with your sub, to be her dom. This is a big part of the unlocking of a longer term dom sub relationship.

    I have to run, I hope this helps!

    ~ Nak

  7. Ive been in a relationship for 3yr now,i love him but always been curious about dom/sub relations. I get really turn on when we fight and love hard mad sex after but he doesnt. hes very soft and gentel. ok sometimes not always but he dont like it rough, he dont even like to spank me, how can i get him to be step it up?

  8. im looking for real submissive female around Albany area im willing to drive and meet other females for fun and good time

  9. Not a problem, Whiteshark, just keep it together in this site. I am the Master here, and will not tolerate certain types of posts. If you connect with someone here, you are welcome to get a room. 😀

  10. A Master will bring you to enjoy the pain a little at a time until you are begging for it daily. He earns your trust.

  11. *Chases Pincessbegs around room, lash held high, grunting commands in thick Swedish…


  12. Princessbegs submits, head down in bowed position ass in the air and anxiously awaits the lash. Yes….please…..please….I’ve been bad.

  13. Hi I am very new to this culture but I do adore pleasing my master but I am finding that I crave more but he is a busy master and although our sessions are very satisfying we may only meet once a week. So how doe I move on to a new master as much as I adore him he has made it clear that his time is limited.

  14. Hi Kitty, You know what you have to do, which is to move on and find yourself a new Dom. Notice how I used the word Dom instead of Master. They are two different things, not necessarily exclusive, as ofc there is overlap.

    There are several schools of thought here, and there are many out there with strongly held opinions on this subject, and I do not claim to be an expert in any or all of them.

    Here is what I have found:

    A lot depends on how you are interacting with your Master. Is it in Real Life (RL) meaning you are meeting in person to have sessions?
    If it is in RL, and you feel that you are not getting enough time together, there could be other factors involved (one or both of you are both married, and this is outside of the marriage)
    If this is happening only online via chat, text, video etc.

    There are many other possibilities, and too numerous to mention here, but I use the two about to illustrate a point, which is that the traditional concept of ‘Master’ in the BSDM world was very different that the one people throw around these days. I suggest you do some reading about the history of BSDM and some of the schools of thought and action.

    In BDSM, Master/slave or M/s is a relationship in which one individual (the submissive) gives to another (the dominant) ultimate authority over them. It is a form of dominance and submission. The participants may be of any gender or sexual orientation. The relationship is structured in terms of slavery, because of the association of the term with ownership of the slave and the rights of a master to their body, as property or chattel. The dominant is often called Master if male, or Mistress if female.

    The owner/slave relationship is usually entered into on a consensual basis, without the legal force of historical or modern non-consensual slavery, which is forbidden by the laws of most countries.

    What I am saying is: Don’t drink too much of the koolaid, Hon. Keep your wits about you and realize that it is you who is giving the power of your BSDM partner to not only be your Dom, but to be your Master. You are the one actually in control in this situation, and you have have the power to revoke control from your ‘Master’ at any time. If he is not fulfilling your needs, you need to ‘fire him’ and move on, as life is way too short. In the past, or as framed in the old school thinking, your Master could make all sorts of demands, and going from the role of ‘Sub’ to ‘Slave’ was a significant event, and there are still many couples out there who practice this in every aspect of their lives, and I respect that. This response is not in any way meant to disparage the validity of those relationships.

    However, since you have said you are relatively new to ‘The Life’, you should understand that there are many choices you can make here, and I suggest through this reply that you take them. It is great you have had a Master, and learned the life, and obviously enjoy the new perspective. There is nothing wrong with taking your control back and finding a new Dom to fulfill your needs. This will not be easy, and could be quite painful, but in the end it is important that you make the move, sooner rather than later. The emotional component of BSDM relationship is often deeper that vanilla relationships, and moving on from your Master will not be easy. What it will teach you in the process is that you can have a Dom or Doms in your life that are not exclusive, as your need as a Sub are what are driving you.

    I suggest that you be careful in using the term Master with your Dom overall. Master can be used in a session, of course, but in your mind you should be careful in making a Dom your Master outside of the session. The reason I mention this is that is can be a very dangerous thing to give over your power outside of the session format,as it can lead to some very fucked up situations in RL, many of which are simply inappropriate, some are wholly dysfunctional.

    Rule of thumb here. Take care of yourself first. If you have a Master relationship that is starting to bleed into RL, and you find yourself questioning demands, requests, orders that are counter to what is good for you and your security, it is time to put on the brakes, stop and take a hard look at the relationship. Things can can weird very quickly in that type of situation and escalate. A good Dom or Master is in control of the situation at all times, not just in a session, but in RL as well. Stay away from heavy drinkers, people who’s life (in RL) are out of control or generally unmanageable. People like that are not worthy of your trust in a TPC (total power control) situation and should be avoided at all costs, not matter how sexy or charismatic they appear to be. ~ Master Nak

  15. Thank you so much it has been very informing we have been together 3 years but only Dom and Sub for 6 months and that has been the change we had many sessions in the first couple of years but was not the sole source of fun. But when we decided to just be Dom and Sub then I started to feel neglected and unsure of what my role was I did not know if I could request a session hmmm it all became confusing he has been in the culture for many many years and I am a natural shy person. Neither of us are married or in a relationship and we only have sessions not a relationship as such so thank u again

  16. Hello, I have been involved with my Dom/Master for 5years off and on and recently he’s been in my life more consistently since I got divorced. Since the divorce, He bought me a collar and has taken me under his wing. My question has to do with the commonality of Doms having multiple subs. My Dom has two and would seek to have perhaps one more join us in the future. I was not sure if that was common.
    Thank you

  17. How do I find a dom I am a male and I’m very interested

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