Dominant + Submissive Relationships / Domination + Submission Life

Dominance + Submission Letters to the Editor 11 Nak

Hi Again Cinders,

I also agree where I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with someone who tried to control every aspect of my life and it’s good to know that there are Dom’s out there that still let the woman (in my point) be herself and have her life. Is it harder to find a Dom who’s like that or is it more common than I’m thinking?

A true Dom is what you are looking for, as any Dom that would demand that you be his Slave and he the Master is ridiculous, and the mark of a dangerous poser.

The term ‘Master’ applies to someone who not only ‘lives the life’, but also someone who has gained your respect and obedience. respect is something that has to be earned over time, and built with trust. I am not sure you are even looking for anyone who would qualify for being a ‘Master’ – as it is a very old skool term, and one that really doesn’t fit into any contemporary lifestyle, unless you are seriously damaged, mentally ill or both. True old skool ‘Masters’ are few and far between, and prolly way too old for you anyway.

Please be very careful in your research on this, if you are looking for a relationship that involves being someones Submissive, as you don’t want to expose yourself without knowing the person on some level first.  There are a couple of online communities to start the process for getting a feel for this, however, there is a huge difference between having a Dom/Sub relationship that only involves chat/video/pm and doing it in real life.  and I would be very careful about meeting someone online in this world, then meeting them in real life.

This leads me to the answer of one of your next questions:

Let me know if this is getting too personal but how did you find your sub?

I met her on a site called Ashley Madison ~ lol.  I had just ended up a 11 year relationship, and was not looking for a commitment, just a ‘roll in the hay’ (as it were) – and since Ashley Madison is a place where people who are married look to hook up and have affairs, I thought it might be a safe bet.  I made an account, then got turned off by the whole thing cause I saw that I would have to market myself, and I just did not have the deep enough desire nor the emotional energy to do that.  A few months later, after I had pretty much abandoned my account, I got pinged by some woman who lived only 30 mins from me.  We emailed and texted for about 2 weeks, then met in person. She was my first Sub, and brought me into this new world.  What can I say, and this is exactly the oppposite of the advice I just gave you.  She and I are still very good freinds, as I brought her into a program which changed her life, and we still see each other in meetings and are friends.

You mentioned a certain detachment, in what way do you mean? It seems that if the Dom has to detach themselves then it’s not really a true trust and connection is it?

When I say detached, I am not talking about emotional detachment, but a detachment from some of the physical/sexual aspects of having a ‘session’.  When you are being the Dom, you must be in control of the ‘session’.  That means that the Sub is brought up through her (in this case) sexual climax in the session.  This does not mean the Dom does not have an orgasm, or not get pleasure from the ‘session’, but that he (or she) must delay sexual gratification through the parts of the session where that Sub may be at risk. (Bound, gagged, strangled, ect).  For me, I usually find the overall experience satisfying on a number of different (and new levels), but I will wait to indulge in my own orgasm until the after the critical aspects are over, as that is my primary function in the role of Dom.

I’m guessing its not something you advertise but do you mean being around and surrounding yourself with other Dom/subs?

Hmmm ~ I definitely not not advertise. The relationship I am in now as a Dom just seemed to happen, and was entirely unexpected. I think there are some aspects of  ‘the law of attraction’ happening right now in my life, and I also think that once you have been exposed to the Dom/Sub life, you become more receptive to the clues and the signals.  Some are subtle, others obvious.

There are gatherings (meet + greets) that take place all over the place, and in the parlance of the Dom/Sub world, these get togethers are called ‘munches’ (for food I think, not sex) They usually take place in restaurants often times brunches on Sundays. There is a very active online community that you should check out called Fet Life  It is a social network that hits on this world.  If you create an account there, make sure you make your first account fictitious, so that you have some initial protections built in. If you decide to join and send me you logins, we can be contacts there. But I am not pushing it, and in our emails, I have been trying to outline the meaning of the Dom/Sub life for me.  This does not mean I speak for any community out there. I am just trying to help you out and give you some heads up on some of the pitfalls.

So pain always is involved? I personally am not liking that idea but that’s why I wanted to ask and find out more about it. 

As I said before in my previous email, pain is very relative. In the Dom/Sub world, pain can mean many different things, emotional, physical, psychological. The act of a soft spanking on the ass might bring all sorts of  ‘pain’ that is not physical at all, but bring forth a wealth of emotional memories that create a pain/pleasure feedback.

The fact that you are intrigued enough to reach out and email questions to this site (and untimely me) due to something you read that got you stimulated, means that there is some underlying spark that has come into being.

For example I’m 24, would you say it would be easier or harder to find a man around my age.

I would suggest that you find someone a little older than you (24) to help you get an insight in this regard.  I would suggest trying some experimenting and reaching out to find what you are looking for, but I would be inclined to avoid someone too young, as you are going to need to find someone who is a self assured lover, someone who is capable of being empathetic, compassionate and confident.

I hope that helps, let me know if you want any further help.


~ Master Nak

  1. Dear Sir,

    I am a 47-year-old Black woman who is looking for a dominant White male my age or a bit older for sexual and social domination with respect and care. I have no idea where to begin looking. I met a man on an on-line interracial dating site with whom I could not communicate directly. He “seemed” like a dominant/alpha male, but I could never bring myself to asking him outright if he was into the life. Of course, not being able to ask someone questions is a bad sign, so I found myself distancing myself. He’s also emotionally untrustworthy. He runs hot and cold and literally stops talking to me for extended periods of time. However, the time I did spend with him intrigued me. He would make comments such as “when we’re together, you’re my property” or “I want a woman who will obey.” As I said, I didn’t feel comfortable asking him questions because he runs hot and cold (pursuit/interest and then apathy/withdrawal) and I knew once he was annoyed or tired of me, he would disappear or possibly leave me for good. The point of all this, and I do apologize for going on and on, is how can I find someone like him? I don’t necessarily have to have him, per se. He’s a dick, and if I had to guess I’d say I mean as much to him as a stray cat that wandered onto his lawn. However, I have no idea where to go. I am attractive and look considerably younger than my age, but many of the White men on-line are looking for dominant Black women or are beta males seeking standard, vanilla relationships. I also want a White male who is in relatively decent shape and who is more than 6 feet tall. I’m probably asking for too much, but I just thought I’d see if anything I’m desiring is in the realm of possibility. I’m late to the “life” but I’m hoping not too late.

  2. This is my spin on it!

    I am a sapiophile,oenophile , foodophile, travelphile, melophile and audiophile with tons to share.
    There are periods of voracity I go through with my reading. I just finished the Book of Negroes.
    It may not be wise to admit to this anyplace else but parts of the book were were erotically stimulating. Apart from that a good read with some reminders of our past and involvement with the slavery trade.
    There have been many erotic times in my life always with power exchange but not the abuse of it. The act of a good dominant is to give and seek nothing in return.
    So many testosterone-laden men could learn so much from giving to the woman first without expectation.

    For me its to make her feel cherished, yet vulnerable…. It’’s knowing but not ever really knowing .
    If man’s mind is the sexiest and most powerful tool he owns then a woman’s is an arsenal and certainly the yin to the yang .
    Submissive does not equate to subservient in my realm.
    It’s unfortunate many confuse candor with being outspoken.
    Some of the most fascinating submissive women I have met were outspoken intelligent and confident.
    Getting to know her from a mental standpoint and to dig deep into her psyche is most rewarding but one must also avail themselves to the same level.
    Unfortunately some will see this as a vehicle for endless promiscuity and easy sex.
    Its these assumptions from the untrained eye that create the problem.
    Because a man/woman is submissive it doesn’t mean you have cause to disrespect him/ her or dismiss their values
    For me it’s about the natural order and primal desire.
    I am confident and comfortable with my dominance no doubt because its not a role but a natural part of my being. That and I am sure the Aries fire has some impact.

    I would enjoy sharing some discourse with you should you so desire.

  3. Wonderful, thank you for contributing to the site.


    ~ Master Nak

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