Dominant + Submissive Relationships / Domination + Submission Life

Dominance + Submission Letters to the Editor 9 Nak

Hi Cinders,

Once the couple has experienced a dom/sub sexual relationship, is it possible to go back to a “vanilla” sexual relationship? Or does that type of sexual relationship not turn the couple on anymore?

Well, you are addressing something here that brings up an interesting point, a theory of mine about the secret rise of Dom/Sub in today’s culture.

The roots of Dom/Sub are as ancient as time, but the recent manifestations  have their roots in the 1970s, and the association is in the context of the gay movement post Vietnam war (disco, gay clubs, etc) then onto the Leather Boy scene (Tom of Finland, West Village, etc)

The Dom/Sub scene of today seems to have emerged from the mid 1990’s and the rise of the Internet 1.0, which is primarily heterosexual.  In the old skool way of thinking, everything is all or nothing, like signing some sort of pledge, once signed, you never go back.

These days, things are not so black and white.  In my current relationship (she Sub, meDom), we have a wide mix of love making.  Sometimes I tie her up, gag her, the whole nine yards.  Other times I will spontaneously spank her, or bind her while we are having sex. Sometimes, it is just straight sex.

It is another level, and another way of experiencing things.  I tend to be less formal, as sometimes I am a lazy Dom. she will request more format Dom/Sub play, and then I know she needs to have stronger, more formal session. I always agree to this, ofc.

I did think a bit how if the person is a dominant that they would have the control in the relationship, but if I understand what you’re saying they both have the control?

There are old skool heterosexual Dom/Sub relationships out there that are very formal Master/Slave situations, and the Slave must ask the Master permission for everything in his/her life, like to go shopping, pick up the groceries, etc, and in certain forums on the web, these people will make a point of trying to prove that they have the ‘real mandate’ that these are the real way the Dom/Sub life should be manifest.  Personally, I do not agree, and do not hold to this way of life, for I feel that it is kind of ridiculous and missing the point. I think you would be hard pressed to find the ability to make something like this work in our modern lives, and the core mandate being brittle and unhealthy in the short and long term.

Don’t get me wrong, living a Dom/Sub relationship is definitely a lifestyle.  But I know from my own experience that I prefer a woman who has her own inner and outer life as well as psycological and emotional independence.  One can only take co-dependency so far before it becomes a tedious + destructive force.

Is there a way to explain what it feels like to have that control given up for a little bit?

The best way it has been described to me has been ‘merciful release’ and tremedous orgasms.

Has there been times, no speaking you specifically, but when the submissive says the safe word and it’s hard for the dominant to respect it and back away or stop whatever they’re doing?

Total deal breaker there. A Dom can never lose control like that, and not everyone is cut out to be the Dom.If the Dom gets only one thing right, that  is the one that must be followed.  If the Dom cannot hold it together, he is not a true Dom, and takes a risk of  hurting, killing theSub, getting arrested for rape, or, if nothing else, never seeing that Sub ever again. I don’t mean to sound harsh here, but there are a few basic rules, and that one is at the top of the list.  Like the Prime Directive in StarTrek.

In order to be the Dom, one must have a certain amount of active detachment while doing his/her thing.

When you say trained to be a Dom, how did you just accept the role or was it difficult? Because while women tell men how they want to be pleasured all the time, what makes it different to become a dom/sub role? I guess how does the person know that they are adom or a sub? Can anyone be trained or is there something else that makes the person more intrigued?

I think the ability to have some detachment is very important.  Being a good, solid, confident lover is also important, as having a hidden agenda built on sexual insecurities can work against you badly as a Dom. A background in theater as an actor is helpful as well. I was always interested in the concept of the BSDM thing, but never had a chance to make it happen, as I never pursued it before I met my fisrt Sub. Her need for pain and certain types of abuse weirded me out when we first started playing sexually, as it was unexpected, and Inever would have guessed, as she was a very sucessful professional woman who was bright, funny, well balanced and quite beautiful.

One question I do have though is does there always have to be pain involved? Or is that another misconception about what people think?

Pain is always a relative concept. My current Sub gets tremendous satisfaction from light spanking, and restraints that are firm, but not painful. Very different from my first Sub, but it is the act that gets her (my current Sub) going, not the degree.

I hope this has been helpful, please email me if you need more details.


Master Nak

1 Comment
  1. I have enjoyed this site. Its mature and tasteful.

    background: raised military and devoted Christian. At 19 I met
    a man that took control of me. I was everything he wanted.
    my parents loved him at first, he saw to my every need. Then he asked
    promission to marry me they said no. He was so distraught that
    my heart ached for him. I agreed to marry anyways. I was deathly
    afraid of my parents. We aloped.
    I have been called brainwashed passive even abused. My new husband
    was dominant. He loved me for being kind caring soft spoken and eager to
    please. I loved him for thinking of me at all times wanting to protect me
    and being proud of me.

    A week after marriage I found videos and books on bdsm. Living a very sheltered life
    all I knew was that this was from hell. I regret that day. My stance changed his
    plans. We have been married 23 yrs. He never communicated his needs. we went to counseling
    but it didn’t work. I had plans to leave because he withdrew from me.
    I prayed. my husband was controlling and I wanted for nothing. why had we spent so long not being happy? the very next day I went in my husbands office and found bdsm pics. he has never cheated on me. I decided to investigate. I went to the book store and discovered what would make him happy. He has noticed a change in me. I am scared to come out fully to recognize his needs. I have laid my head in his lap crying that I was sorry and wished I could do it all over. How can I expose his needs without making him feel vulnerable? All I want to do is make him happy.

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