Dominant + Submissive Relationships / Domination + Submission Life

Dominance + Submission

Dominance and submission, and the inner conflict and surrender connected with these are enduring themes in human culture and civilization. In human sexuality this has broadened to include mutual exploration of roles, emotions and activities which would be difficult or impossible to do without a willing partner taking an opposing role.

While D/s can deal with representations of brutality and cruelty, and the emotional responses to them, adherents are quick to point out that D/s is not about acts of brutality and cruelty. It is a consensual power exchange between the two partners and need not involve any brutality (such as corporal punishment) or cruelty (verbal or emotional abuse) at all. It is primarily based upon trust and communication between the partners. It is also based on a deep ethos of mutual respect in which exploration of the emotions brought up by power exchange can occur in a safe, sane and consensual manner.

Mistress Jada dominating Mistress Veronica in an S&M Dungeon

A safe word is usually given to the submissive partner to prevent the dominant from overstepping physical and emotional boundaries. The safe word is especially important when engaging in verbal humiliation or playing ‘mind-games’ because the submissive may not be aware of an emotional boundary until it is crossed. If an emotional boundary is breached and the safe word called, the dominant should cease all play immediately and discuss the emotional breach with the submissive in a tender and understanding manner. Negotiating limits in advance is also an important element in a D/s relationship.

D/s may be ritualised or freeform. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits and needs in order to find commonality. A D/s relationship may be sexual or non-sexual, long or short term, and intimate or anonymous. Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible. ~ from Wikipedia ~

photo David Shankbone CC

60 Comments
  1. Some Doms do overstep and get way too aggressive and don’t care if their sub’s get hurt. I personally run from this kind of Dom like a bat out of hell. But with and relationship with both Dom/Sub there has to be communication right from the beginning that helps both to build the trust and relationship so that as a Sub, I know I am safe and when I do yell uncle that he will back of and help me through what ever issues I have with the scene or if its getting to painful for me to ease off. There is so much out there that exploring it all takes time. But with out trust you can never truly appreciate a good Dom/Sub relationship.

  2. zi so totally agree, also scared at at point! who knows if the safe word will work!!!!!!!!!!!!New to this

  3. can you fall in love?

  4. I love the whole sub thing but also want to be loved!!!!!!!

  5. Just beginning step into this lifestyle. I complete understand how the sub and guide the Dom.
    I hope to find one who can help!

  6. Trust IS foremost. Communication & openness with each other is vital. Love, (at least in my own point of view) is a must.
    Love & commitment, trust, communication are all part of any successful relationship. If you agree, then you already have the tools you need to accept your own role in a Dom/sub relationship.

  7. CAROL im single and would liek to know u and meet u

  8. I was in the sub part of a D/s relationship for many years. An yes you do find a love or admiration for each other. I myself have found a new Dom an have been exchanging emails an really cannot wait to meet him. My last experience was wonderful but he needed to relocate. It has taken me a long time to find again. But the whole lifestyle is rewarding. Freeing. A chance to allow yourself freedoms vanillas can never imagine

  9. i think i have needed this all my life. i have never been truly satisfied with my relationships. i believe i was born to be a sub, and feel that is the only way i can get fullfillment

  10. YAY! Welcome to the tribe!

  11. since i am new at this any advice on where to find these men? lol

  12. I would suggest joining FetLife, whioh is free, but a paid account is very low cost. FetLife will give you a chance to get a better orientation online, as well as the chance to meet people in a social setting (they are called ‘Munches’ ~ which is a meeting in a neutral. public spot, usually for Sunday Brunch. FetLife allows for the ability to find like minded people regionally (state by state) and on the basis of interest.

    Disclaimer: While I have an account with FetLife, I have no other affiliation. Don-Sub-Net is fully independent of any online or offline organization. On the various communitied I have checked out of the Web, FetLife does seem to be the one with most integrity.

    That being said, do be careful of the ‘Online only wannabbe Doms out there’ While erotic chat can be fun, in the BSDM world the proof is in the RL (Real Life) manifestation.

    If you decide to meet someone in person, please take care, do you research, and make sure that you take precautions.

  13. thank you very much, i will try that.

  14. Let me know how things work out! fyi : My first experience in the Dom Sub world was given to me by a Submissive, who I first met online, via Ashley Madison, and then we met in RL. So it is possible to find trustworthy people out there. 🙂

  15. I am a submissive male starting a new relationship on line with a woman. She wants to find learning materials. Where can she find them?

  16. I’m new to this and still trying to decide what it is I’m looking for. Honestly i’m nervous. In life i’m strong confident and independent. But in the bedroom not so much. Ive brought up things I want to try with my husband and it didn’t go over very well. Now i’m unsure of myself.

  17. I am actually running out the door, and I saw your comment come across the bow.

    My quick thoughts: Be not afraid. His initial blowback has more to do with his own fears. You have taken the plunge, and it cannot be reversed, so you might as well go forward.

    Intention is a powerful force, and it can move mountains. Wood Allen said once: “A Relationship is like a shark. If it stops moving forward, it sinks and dies.” All I can say is, boy, ain’t that the truth! The time I have wasted in my life in relationships that ended up being complacent, comfortable and like treading water upside down is beyond belief. 🙁

    Take it from me, life is too short! Time speeds up as we get older. Vanilla sex, while comforting, like a good dump, is a life energy killer! Live!

    Good luck, Amanda. You suddenly have some new choices open to you that were not there before. Take courage and plunge into the unknown!

    Master Nak

    *edited for typos

  18. I am newer to this as well. I tried things with my ex and well they didn’t work out he could never understand my desires. I have tired to find the correct Dom for me. I have gone through two sense with others before I feel I have found the correct Dom for me. I am actually looking to do more research into what I want to try, at the request from my Dom. Can someone please guide me to more resources?

  19. I am a married women, I love my husband dearly but he doesn’t understand my need to be a sub. I want him to be a dom but he can’t understand why. I have explained it to him bit he says he could never do those things I need. How do I get what I need when he won’t. I have even bought stuff to help but no go. Help.

  20. My husband and I are new to this.we are both very excited about it but would love some advise. Where to buy stuff?

  21. I have had a couple experiences with a Dom. The first one had been a Dom for many many years. I was brand new to the Dom/sub thing. I knew nothing. We met a few times. He knew I wasn’t into the rules … I didn’t even know what they were… But we played with being spanked and asking for permission… But the last time we were together he relaxed me, completely … Then became a person I had never seen! He then pushed me down on my stomach and…

    So, I am a bit Leary … But I have also experienced a very loving Dom as well. :0)
    Just a couple of times though …
    Any idea where I can find a loving Dom who is willing to teach me the way of submission? I live in Vancouver ..

  22. My wife and I have decided to give dom/sub a try. While we are just starting to go down this path we can already see how much we are going to enjoy this. I am thrilled to have found this site at the beginning of my research. So much information to process

  23. I am in need of help. Yhe one I love is revealing to me her need to be a sub and I need to be the dom she craves help please comment

  24. My boyfriend and I have recently entered into a D/s relationship. As my Dom he tells me that I need to learn to separate my emotions from our play. I find that hard to do since we have decided to take our play outside of the bedroom and use it in our everyday life. I need help with this and would greatly appreciate some feedback. Thank you.

  25. Hi Ashley ~

    “As my Dom he tells me that I need to learn to separate my emotions from our play. I find that hard to do since we have decided to take our play outside of the bedroom and use it in our everyday life.”

    My red flags went up on this big time.

    “learn to separate my emotions from our play…”

    I call ‘Bullshit!’. That is so against the spirit of the play, and especially your role as a Sub.

    In the role of the ‘Dom’, separation of emotions is something that is important on a practical note, for the Dom needs to maintain a certain amount of control or things could get messy, dangerous or both.

    The Sub on the other hand should be allowed a wide latitude of emotions before, during and after play. The Dom during play can make choices as to how he/she responds to the display of emotions and react accordingly, but to throw a wet blanket over the entire relationship by stating “need to learn to separate my emotions from our play.’ is a massive buzz kill, and can only sabotage the overall Dom/Sub relationship.

    “we have decided to take our play outside of the bedroom and use it in our everyday life.”

    This is a very, very bad idea. I cannot stress this enough. We do not live in feudal times anymore, and to bring Dom/Sub into ‘everyday life’ outside the session is to introduce a host of problems and complexities into a relationship that will ultimately lead to:

    A; The destruction of the relationship
    B: The relationship turning abusive
    C: Feeding an unhealthy level of acute codependency

    My opinion on this is very clear. There are many on the ‘old guard’ who will argue the point on this tell the end of time. I acknowledge that there are many schools of thought on this in the BSDM World, and my expressing my opinion is not meant to invalidate other people’s choices of lifestyle.

    I hope this helps,

    Cheerio!

    ~ Master Nak

  26. Hello Master Nak,
    I wanted to start by saying thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I truly appreciate the feedback. I will consider all that you’ve said and address some of this with him if he hasn’t already taken a look. This out pour of emotions from me comes from a punishment I received. I deserved every bit of my punishment but afterwards I felt embarrassed and humiliated, and I decided to sulk about it. Which he did like which prompted him to say I need to remove my emotions from it. I find it difficult to separate and I feel that I should be emotional and should express to him how I feel.

  27. Hi Ashley ~

    Tricky stuff, the world of BDSM is fraught with potential codependency behaviors gone riot.

    Checking one’s personal motives is always a challenge, very difficult work to do, and being in a relationship adds many additional layers. I have done quite a bit of work in this area in order to get a better handle on who I am, and what my motivations are when it comes to relationships.

    Some say doing this type of work (examining motives, character defects, childhood survival mechanisms) is as difficult as changing the color of your eyes. I am going to throw this hat into the ring here, because this program (ACA) has changed my life and made me understand the World of BDSM and the roles of Dom + Sub in a way I would never had imagined.

    The Laundry List – 14 Traits of Codependency

    • We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
    • We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
    • We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
    • We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
    • We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
    • We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
    • We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
    • We became addicted to excitement.
    • We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
    • We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
    • We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
    • We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
    • Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
    • Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
  28. Is it possible for a husband to become your Dom after being I a vanilla relationship for over 25 years

    Amazingly we have been married for too long for me to remember now, and not at all times fulfilled!! which lead me down this route as I’m truly a sub at heart in the bedroom. I have a very stressful, demanding job, and crave to be a sub. I raised this with my husband after being caught chatting on Fetlife. After a heart to heart, he is keen to take on the Dom role, as it turns out, he’s been that way himself, but scared to speak up….but being new to all this, we are not totally sure where to start.

    I am so excited, we are reading and very keen to learn and try, but we are like to kids playing in the dark. Also my concerns are, that having been in our “vanilla” relationship for so long..is it possible to change what we had? Any advice would be really appreciated xx

  29. My bf just told me he is part of a C.U.F.F. group and fetlife. He is a sub. I trying to figure out should I be worried? I thought he loved me and he has this whole other life he says he doesnt have sex with anyone but that he just gets flogged by his Dom. That sounds sexual to me.

  30. i am really into the pain aspects of BDSM. My Dom is very generous in fulfilling that need for me, but i know He holds back when i ask for more. We have discussed this and that He has a hard time knowing that He will possibly mark me which is something i long for. He feels it is due to His upbringing which strictly enforced putting a lady on a pedestal and not doing harm her. i am very understanding of this and i know He is trying to work through it. i try to show my extreme enthusiasm when He does manage to unintentionally mark me by gently flaunting it to Him and letting Him know how happy i am to bear any mark He gives me. Is there something i can do to further help Him work through this or am i doing the right thing by letting Him work through it on His own? Any advice would be thoroughly appreciated.

  31. hey i’m new to good this and im trying to fine a sub women where do I look

  32. The problem with the dom/sub relationship is both parties have to be on the same page or things can go bad. I have always needed more in the bedroom but my husband is not sure about being a dom. He loves me but he doesn’t have it in him to do what I need so I suppress my needs for him. It feels like a part of me has been cut off and it hurts at times. I tell him this and he has tried a couple of times to do what I need but then he feels bad. I don’t want to destroy him and I love him dearly it’s just hard have a part of my soul missing. How do I find release or an outlet without hurting either of us?

  33. Hi CJ,

    I want to give you an answer to this. I am traveling at the moment. Your situation is not an unusual one. Stay tuned, there is hope. ~ Nak

  34. Thanks MasterNak. I await your reply.
    CJ

  35. I have to say i am super excited to have found this website. My husband and I are new to this too, and while we are on fetlife we have yet to have someone step up and help us when we have asked for help. most of the questions we have have been answered on here. I am trying to figure out what i like and dont like and so far it has been a difficult journy. what would you suggest?

  36. I’m pretty sure last night I entered into a D/s relationship with a man that’s ten years older than me and married. I only say pretty sure because he didn’t come out and say it, but everything he offered me sounded like D/s arrangement. I don’t have any problem with how much older he is, he’s a very sexy and magnetic energy and I think I have craved him from the moment I met him. But.. He’s married. And that’s where I struggle. I know some doms have vanilla spouses and they’re are okay with them having a sub, but what if she doesn’t know? I would feel horrible.. However I still accepted and asked for what he was offering me. And even after a day of him simply talking to me, and giving me lessons in what he calls “preparation”, I’m so much more intrigued.. And I know that I need more. How should I cope with my need for him to dominate me, and my guilt over his wife?

  37. I met a woman on a sex website. She is looking for a sub. She has a good job and career, as do I, but wants a relationship where she controls what we do. She wants to lay out the ground rules and see what we think. I’ve never been a sub before, but the whole idea thrills me. She does expect things to be done her way and will punish if not. She has agreed to no marks and a safe word. Are there things I should look out for. Signs that should warn me of bad intentions. I will be incontrol of the household including managing the money.

    You thought would be appreciated.

  38. I’m not sure what personality I match with but I am interested in discussing the D/s lifestyle with someone and learning more.

  39. Hello, i ‘m new to D/s lifestyle. I think i’m sub. I have never experienced something
    like that. I need more information about it. I read about it, but i think is bettet
    to speak with someone with experience in D/s relationships.
    Thank you.

  40. I have had some basic experiences and have never had so much excitement,arousal, satisfaction and calm. I want to get deeper and have been on many sites but can not meet a true Dom. Its impossible to gain trust with a wannabe . I want to learn from experience.
    Bored.

  41. Hi I’m full time CD slave in need of a good home looking for a couple or possabley a signal for masters or master and Dom I seek a loving home one that has my life and health at highest regards someone intelagent and able financially able to take good care of me make me a better person control me mentally physically socially sexually test me fimd my limits safely.

  42. So, I’m in a long-standing deeply emotional relationship, and my girlfriend is, shall we say: freaky, which I embraced and thoroughly enjoy (pinning, scratching, light hair-pulling and biting, and not-so-light spanking and teasing). Recently, she brought up some kinkier stuff, and we’ve done some things (mainly just the same stuff but harder, but also some light choking, holding back hands, the term “master”) but mostly we’ve just done a lot of discussing; anyway, I’m really finding the whole thing quite exciting, and frankly it’s pretty awesome. She’s pretty much a sub, but we both like to switch and enjoy both roles. She suggested I do some research on D/s (and so I have done) and wanted me to find some things with which to surprise her. So, that brings me here. Any suggestions, for specific activities or just general advice? I have no problem with this and am honestly quite happy with the whole D/s thing, and I could use some words of wisdom from people with more experience. Doms, on how to go about this? Subs, on how you like to be treated, erotically and/or emotionally? Thanks for any advice, the scene seems rather welcoming 🙂

  43. I am new in to this and I have come to realize I am a sub. My Dom is very interested in role plays however I am not sure of how I should react to certain gestures. Is there some play I can see some sample role plays?

  44. For more information on dominance/submission, my new book, Girl Fighting Exposed, delves deeply into the psychological aspects that occur in a girl fight and can be translated into any dominant/submissive relationship. It is free to download. Enjoy it.

  45. Hi Dean,

    Thanks for the info. I disabled the links, as I am the Master of this site. I do not think there is any relationship to dominant/submissive relationships and the girl on girl fighting action. Nice try, though! 😀

  46. So I have never been in a dom sub relationship before, but I know I want to be and have wanted to be for a long time now. I don’t really know how to go about finding a dom who is willing to teach and train me. I know I am a sub. I have read up on and researched the topic fully. Now I just need to find a dom to train me and teach me all the ins and outs of this relationship. Where can I go to meet dominant men?

  47. I somehow fell into a D/S relationship recently. He’s married with kids. I’m married with kids. We are both happy in our marriages. I’m confused as to why this works and how it will work in the longrun….anyone else been there?

  48. I have always been into this but I have never tried it and I don’t know if my boyfriend would be up to be my dominant. .what do I do?

  49. I have bee studying the dominant submissive relationships for awhile now, but I am terrified of searching for someone online and I cant very well walk up to someone on the street and ask will you dominate me… SO i guess what I’m asking is where do i start to find this kid of relationship with someone?

  50. I like to talk with people, where do you come from , i’m leaving in France. Best Regards

  51. Absolutely! In a relationship of this nature love, trust, and open communication are key!

  52. So we have to exchange on what is your feeling what’s your experience, because is a singular relation and we have to exchange feeling how to do a personnal discussion here?

  53. I was in a violent dom and treated me badly. It took me a long time to get out. Now I’m craving a new relationship with a different better nicer Dom that can show me a better side to world I enjoy and crave. I don’t know how to go about finding one. I would love some advice please!

  54. I was in a Dom/sub violent relationship for almost ten years. I’m now craving a new Dom that can show me another side of this world. But I don’t know how to find one. I’m at a loss and would love to have some advice please.

  55. I have been married for almost fifteen years in a vanilla relationship, but I crave, no need a Dom/sub relationship. I am naturally submissive in all forms of relationships, socially and sexually. I have attempted to talk to my husband about trying new things, but he does not seem interested and I am afraid to tell him how unhappy I really am. I love him and do not want anyone else, but I get nothing out of vanilla sex other than a sense of happiness that at least he orgasmed. Please how can I tell him what I desperately need when he does not seem interested?

  56. I am male interested in becoming a more experienced dom. Looking for a sub that knows what she wants also. Let’s enter into this with ease, so as not to confuse each other, “communication is a must”. Let’s have some play time now…….

  57. There is a difference between discipline & abuse Amanda…..I don’t want any abuse or violence in our partnership…..but, there must be discipline…..

  58. Thanks for losing the CAPS, Randy.

  59. I’m taking comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I have been trying to get my fiancé to get into this with me, but he has shown no interest. I want to be in it fully. Doesn’t matter if it’s 24/7 or just the bedroom. I have tried to have open discussions with him as to what I would like to try and he’ll say, “yea sure” and nothing comes of it. It gives me this pain in my chest that I have a hard time getting rid of. Maybe it’s becuase I have done things that he likes. I guess I’m just venting. If this is not allowed, I’m sorry.

  60. Glad I’m embarking on this journey, finally found my dim/sun man who will take me to the next level.
    Patience, gain, pleasure and intense ravishingly orgasms is a satisfying next level I am experiencing

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